It's bad advice to tell someone that they should "get over" the way they feel. Perhaps people mean well by saying it. They want to be encouraging and helpful. It might also be that they are just being mean. I think we can do better than that though, if we want to help others.
One reason the advice to "get over it" is bad is because it implies that the person with the feelings just doesn't WANT to get over it. That's usually not true. Although it is entirely possible that some part of their brains may actually WANT to hold on to the negative feelings, we don't consciously choose the painful emotions. In fact, when people have uncontrolled negative emotions, those feelings often seem to choose them, not the other way around.
Another reason that advice is inappropriate is because it does nothing to tell them how that might happen.
Yet, we see people who endure similar struggles who "get over it". So, how is that possible? I suggest that these people have trained themselves in emotions management. It's not that they never have the emotions. When they feel them, they deal with them in a way that is healthy and produces strength. If someone is never taught how to do that, it can seem like there is a "magic button" that other people can push in themselves and move forward. People who cannot control their negative emotions often feel like they are missing something important in their makeup. This makes matters worse for them because sometimes they might learn to be helpless (as if they have no choice but to be that way).
If you experience overwhelming emotions, there is a way you can train yourself to manage them better. It will take time, but you can begin to see results very quickly with a little practice. The alternative to trying this is to continue to have your emotions run your life.
The "secret button" people push is not a button at all. It's not about making yourself stop feeling something. It's all about REPLACEMENT. And that can be done in four steps.
Four Steps to Shift Your Emotions
- Identify and name the emotion you want to replace.
- Logically explain the emotion you are feeling. That is, recognize why that emotion is valid. Be specific.
- Expand your thinking to include a bigger picture of your circumstances. This can be done by considering the perceptions of others, or by considering the perception of God looking at your situation. (This is where faith comes in and helps you see life in a broader perspective and meaning.)
- Based on that bigger picture, find an alternative emotion to focus on that could naturally grow from that perspective. Think about that every time you feel the negative emotion. At first it will be a weak emotion. That's OK! The next time the negative emotion comes you will think on the bigger picture. After doing that for a while, you will notice that the negative emotion is not as strong, and the positive one is beginning to take root.
I don't want to over-simplify things. This is not exactly easy to accomplish, but the process will help if you stay with it.
Comment below if you can add other ideas to this or want to reach out and get some help putting this into practice!
I'm Jason Sparks and I empower men aged 30-45 to overcome self-sabotaging behaviors and find purpose through a holistic approach to personal development, integrating spiritual growth, career stability, and natural healing methods. Join me on Facebook for free. JOIN
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